Do you know your boundaries?

Often when we think of the new year we think of new year’s resolutions and whilst I agree the new year is a great opportunity to use the encouragement of the annual "new start" to make positive changes, we tend to focus on physical external action or change. 

In 2023 I will…

• Run 3 times a week 

• Look for a new job 

• Journal everyday 

• Read 20 books this year

But what about setting some internal resolutions supporting an emotional change such as developing healthy personal boundaries with yourself?

I believe to be able to achieve our intentions/goals, which require physical external action or change we often need to support these by taking time to set personal boundaries too.  As these can support us to have the reserve energy required to run 3 times a week, protect the time to read books, prioritise our career move over daily work etc. 

Many women I coach struggle with setting boundaries and have let their needs take second place to everyone else’s. I share this as it’s something I have struggled with and on many occasions still do. 

Women tend to see personal boundaries as selfish, demanding, or uncaring toward others, possibly because when we set boundaries they may involve saying no to things and people we once said yes to, even when this was detrimental to ourselves. 

Especially during midlife women often start to reconsider their boundaries, roles, expectations and needs. Possibly because of the emotional and physical changes associated with the change in our hormones and mother nature’s push to get us to take care of ourselves more.

Boundaries differ from person to person and by culture, personality, and social context variations.

Healthy boundaries are defined as;

Appropriate behaviour in our relationships with ourselves and others – behaviour that keeps both parties safe.

And setting healthy boundaries is crucial for self-care and positive relationships.

Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable initially, especially as others adjust but it’s a short-term pain for a longer-term gain as relationships and our well-being often thrive when we have healthy boundaries in place. 

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When we don’t set healthy personal boundaries, it can lead to us feeling resentful and frustrated at all the expectations others have of us or in reality, it is often the expectations we think others have of us. It can even lead to burnout, anxiety or depression.  

Boundaries are often set out in 6 areas below are some examples to consider.

Physical - How do you think about your physical body 

Emotional - How emotionally available are you for yourself and others  

Sexual - How are your intimate or sexual needs being respected

Time -  How much of your valued time do you offer to others versus yourself

Intellectual -  Are you respecting your intellectual development, do others respect that too?

Material – How do others respect your material possessions 

What personal boundaries would you like to develop or strengthen? 

When we have decided on our new or revised boundary, we need to communicate it assertively to both our internal self and anyone else that may be involved and then back it up with action…consistent action!

Clear communication can look like 

I want 

I need 

I expect 

We can do this respectfully and without blame for others but try not to apologise for setting the boundary. Also, we need to respect and honour others’ boundaries through our own consistent actions. 

Being assertive is much easier said than done, we can confuse it with being needy, bossy or aggressive and we fear being viewed in a negative light. But I do think if we are polite and clear, and the person respects our relationship it can be seen positively. If we do get a negative reaction, it can be more about the maturity of the other person or simply the shock of the change of you setting a boundary if this is out of character for you. So, it may take a little time for them to adjust but your consistent action will help them. 

Personal boundaries aren’t just about saying no they are about being in tune with your own needs and saying YES to yourself and healthy self-care practices. 

Try not to think of personal boundaries as being purely restrictive try to think of them as giving you time, energy and an emotional reserve, so that when you do say yes to things or people you can give your best self.  

Remember we can say no to the task but yes to the person, including yourself!

Interested in more on boundaries I would recommend reading Nedra Glover Tawwab book Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself or message me and we can have a chat about how coaching can help.